Uber Memoirs (4)

Written by Noah Towbin

Hello loyal readers! I’m sure everyone has had an amazing quarantine break filled with charming memories of boredom, Netflix, isolation, and a pandemic, but I—for one—am happy to be sitting in Gainesville writing about some of my favorite pre-Corona Uber stories. So, without further ado, here are some more Uber Memoirs:

  1. Taser Tess

For my more devoted fans, the story of Taser Tess might bring up some memories of Electric Emily from my first collection of Uber Memoirs; however, this story was certainly more… interactive. One beautiful, hectic Gainesville night, Taser Tess was driving around when she received a notification for a ride request. Without delay, she drove over to the Swamp (RIP) and saw a group of around 10 people waiting on the curb. An obviously inebriated girl could be seen waving her phone among the mass of stumbling college students, so Taser Tess pulled up beside the group and asked for the person who had requested the ride. When the girl told Tess that all 10 of the rambunctious, sloppy-drunk adults behind her had intentions of getting into her modest SUV, the answer was a predictable, swift no. That being said, the drunken Gators had already started to open the car doors and layer onto her back seats. With no other option coming to mind, Taser Tess took out her titular tool and scared the crap out of the young adults clambering into her car. The powerful crack of the Taser turning on started a chain reaction of screaming and evacuation that eventually left her car empty and the group scampering away down the street. The best part of this story is the fact that Taser Tess actually pulled out her Taser to show us as she was recounting these events. I gotta say, I was equally terrified when the device crackled on. 

  1. Football Fan Felix

While most of my Uber rides around Gainesville take around five to fifteen minutes and span less than a few miles, it is apparently somewhat commonplace for individuals to use the service for hours-long trips across much greater distances. When Football Fan Felix got a call asking for him to pick a woman and her dog up after their car had been totaled on the highway near Gainesville, he didn’t hesitate to accept the ride request—even though it would involve a four-hour trek to Atlanta. Felix promptly drove to the scene of the wreck and began his next job. I feel it necessary to mention a few details about the woman, dog, and overall situation before moving any further into this story: the destroyed car was an expensive BMW sports car, the woman was very attractive and wore expensive designer clothing, the dog was a massive, white, fluffy Samoyed, and the ground around the debris was filled with fruits, vegetables, and other smoothie ingredients. After somehow managing to fit all the food and the giant fur ball into the trunk and back seat of his sedan, Felix started driving. As they made their way from northern Florida to the capital of Georgia, conversation was made about nearly everything—including Felix’s favorite football team, the Atlanta Falcons. At the mention of the Falcons, the woman’s face lit up and she announced that her husband plays for them and would be happy to meet him in person at their destination. Although Felix asked many times, she would not reveal who her husband was until they pulled up to the gas station where he was waiting for her. Our hero’s jaw dropped as Matt Ryan walked up to his window and personally thanked him for going so far out of his way to help his wife. After receiving a $400 tip, Felix drove home, even more excited to watch the next Falcon’s game than he’d been before the trip.  

  1. Sloppy Sawyer

“Do not drink and drive.” This common adage is imprinted in the minds of adolescents from the moment that alcohol is discovered. The idea of avoiding the driver’s seat while under the influence can be found across the media, in schools, and in the events that we witness or experience in our own lives. In the case of Sloppy Sawyer, the meaning of this warning became comedically evident. According to my Uber driver, Sawyer was driving along in his souped-up Shelby Mustang on University after a late night out at Mid. All of a sudden, he parked his beautiful matte black car with orange racing stripes and highlights in the middle of the road and evacuated himself from its comfortable leather interior. Without delay, Sloppy Sawyer proceeded to throw up the numerous tequila shots and beers that had turned his brain to mush onto the asphalt. As if this wasn’t enough, Sawyer promptly stepped into the murky puddle and slipped. My driver told me that watching the poor guy face plant into a pile of his own vomit on the unforgiving road was a hilarious and pitiful moment. Slowly and much more carefully than before, Sawyer stood up and drunkenly attempted to wipe away the unholy mixture of throw-up, blood, and pavement that now populated his scratched up, confused face. When the cops pulled up behind him, all Sloppy Sawyer could do was pass out… into the gross mess next to his sick car. “Do not drink and drive”—maybe next time he’ll listen.

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