Recurring Column by Noah Towbin, Illustration by Grace Dooley

Apparently, not all Uber drivers respond with obscene horror stories when prompted to reveal the most interesting things that have happened during rides. So, with the world making social distance the new status quo, I thought we could reminisce on the stories of these good samaritan Uber drivers.

  1. Marine Matthew

Typically, the most an Uber driver does for me outside of driving me to my destination is to pull up closer to the entrance of my dorm. For Marine Matthew, however, there was no limit to his willingness to go above and beyond. After picking up a just returned Marine from the airport, Matthew had the initial intention of just driving him to his girlfriend’s house and moving on to his next job. Much to the pleasure of the excited troop, Marine Matthew agreed to help him surprise his girlfriend at their house. Over the next several hours, Matthew drove all over town with his passenger to buy flowers, candy, and other romantic items. Remarkably, two dozen red roses, a giant heart-shaped container of chocolates, and six colorful balloons were able to fit in the back seat of Matthew’s relatively small sedan. Both Matthew and the Marine’s girlfriend arrived at the house at the same time, and the thrilled boyfriend jumped out of the car and presented her with the flowers and candy that Marine Matthew had helped him pick up throughout their drive. Through joyful tears, the couple embraced while Matthew drove away, now accompanied by a sense of fulfillment and an excess of good Karma.

  1. House Call Henry

Most Uber rides end when the driver pulls up to the passenger’s destination, lets the latter get out of the vehicle, and moves on to his next job. This was simply not the case for House Call Henry on one night over this past summer. As Henry arrived at Bricks Nightclub to pick up his last customer of the evening and the saw the piss drunk man holding his phone up on the side of the road, he knew this ride would be a rough one. Although his passenger managed to hold his stomach from his night of drinking, it was an entirely different matter for him to be able to get out of the car and into his apartment after the drive was over. This is where most drivers would call the police and have the well-intoxicated individual removed from the car; however, House Call Henry went above and beyond that night. With great care, he helped the man get out of the car, into the apartment, and up a flight of stairs to his bed. It goes without saying that this type of service is not demanded nor seen from the average Uber driver, and House Call Henry deserves much praise for his willingness to help his riders.

(Note to reader: It is not appropriate for random strangers to enter your house under normal circumstances)

  1. Protector Pierce

When Protector Pierce arrived to pick up a girl from a small apartment complex, he certainly didn’t expect her to desperately rip open the passenger door and immediately lock the car. Unfortunately, this particular customer seemed to be trying to escape from an abusive boyfriend who violently began punching the windows after she had gotten inside. As the sound of weakening glass and the appearance of small cracks on the window caused the girl to descend into a frenzy of tears and pleas for help, Pierce slowly got out of the car and approached the troglodyte. Although Pierce implored the jerk to move away from his vehicle and get on with his pathetic life, the guy seemed intent on causing as much damage to anything in his path that night. The barbaric man then made a very foolish mistake and threw a rash punch at Protector Pierce’s face. While the assailant could never have known that Pierce was a seven-year combat veteran before the attack, he definitely had some idea by the end of the encounter. Pierce grabbed his fist and aggressively twisted him to the ground before thrusting his foot down on his neck and telling him to get lost. Our hero then left the whimpering bully in the street and drove the extremely grateful girl away from the awful situation.