Florida Kindergartener says Classroom Guideline to Keep his Hands to Himself is a Violation of his Rights (Satire)

Written by Holly Smith

Upon being reprimanded for pinching his classmate at recess, 5-year-old Joey O’brien was flabbergasted. “I wasn’t being bad,” he insisted. “Some kids may get pinched and cry, but that shouldn’t stop me from doing what I do! It’s their fault for being so pinchable.”

When his son recounted the story, Richard O’brien was appalled by the school’s apparent constitutional ignorance. “They’re violating his right to violate others’ rights!” the father cried, while his wife, Cathryn, contacted the local police. “I tell you, these kids are too soft nowadays. It’s about time somebody taught them that life isn’t fair. How are they going to learn that if my son can’t go around making life unfair?”  

Even more upsetting to Joey was the fact that, when he returned to school the following day, most of his classmates were not pinching each other. Enraged, Joey went on a pinching-spree to defend his right to pinch his peers, which resulted in him getting sent home with a yellow sticker. “They’ve been brainwashed,” declared Cathryn. “Look at the science- not pinching others does nothing.”

Governor DeSantis, who coincidentally has been out of touch with the demographic of elementary schoolers punished with silent lunch, was thoroughly moved by the O’briens’ plight. He is currently pushing for a bill that bans teachers from punishing students for pinching. At the moment, there is no word on how this will affect St. Patrick’s Day traditions.

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