2nd installment of Uber Memoirs by Noah Towbin, Illustration by Grace Dooley

Hello, loyal readers. I am back this week with a number of new, thrilling, and ridiculous stories collected from Uber drivers right here in our eclectic, college-town home of Gainesville. That being said, this second installment of “Uber Memoirs” is going to be slightly different from last time. For some reason, it has become glaringly apparent that Uber drivers in New Jersey (near the Jersey Shore, of course) are prone to experiencing far more peculiar circumstances than those who have worked around drunk college idiots since they started driving commercially—crazy, I know. Without further ado, I present the exclusive New Jersey edition of “Uber Memoirs.” Enjoy 🙂

  1. Explicit Content Edgar

My Uber ride with Explicit Content Edgar was the first to elucidate just how screwed up car rides in New Jersey can be. While most drivers in the Gainesville area are accustomed to picking up large groups of girls and ferrying them from one place to another on Friday nights, I am almost certain that no Ubers here have ever randomly picked up a car full of lesbian pornstars. According to Edgar, he had significant trouble focusing on the road because of the taking place behind him. After miraculously getting the women to their destination, despite serious adversity in doing so, one of them asked Edgar for his Snapchat, and they proceeded to date for six months. Gotta love Jersey.

  1. Crappy Carlos

Experts report that 98% of speeding incidents can be attributed to drivers racing home to their bathrooms (*for the record, this is not an actual fact*). While Crappy Carlos had no intention of breaking any speed limits on the day at the center of this story, one of his riders had other plans for him. As Carlos watched his bombshell customer walk up to his car, the last thing he expected was for her to jump in the back seat and scream, “I need to take a shit!” Although he tried not to overtly speed past the police along the Jersey Shore, the desperate woman in the back of Carlos’ car ceaselessly demanded that he “smash through any cop cars that might try to stop them” and get her to her toilet before disaster struck. When Crappy Carlos finally managed to get the girl home, she promptly ran out of the car, screamed, “I love you,” and blew him a kiss before running inside to take care of her business.

  1. Randomness Randy

This next story is pretty long, so I’m gonna jump right in. Randomness Randy began his night with a relatively normal ride: he picked up a rich-looking gentleman in a fitted suit from an apartment and drove him to a bar. That’s where the normality of Randy’s night ended. Before getting out of Randy’s car, the passenger solemnly turned to him and said, “She might kill me tonight, so you could be the last person I see. Call the police.” He then got out of the sedan and walked away. Confused, Randy began to drive away before receiving a notification for a ride request for a woman named Natasha from the exact location where he had just dropped the mysterious man off. By the time he made it back, the man in the suit was gone and a couple of kids were standing around with their phones out laughing about how some “hot chick” had started beating up a guy and dragged him down the nearby alley. After driving his car to the edge of the dimly lit area behind the bar, Randy found a gorgeous woman wailing on the same guy that he had left only minutes earlier. Following a tense, five minute viewing period of the violence taking place in front of him, Randy rolled down his window and asked the woman if she was Natasha. In a thick, Russian accent, she confirmed her identity and got into the passenger seat—the bloodied, downtrodden man followed into the back of the car. On the drive, Natasha began to lift up her skirt and take out her breasts, stroking Randy’s crotch and promising to fellate him if he would come inside with her. Resisting this temptation, our hero finally arrived at their destination—an ostentatiously large and decorated house with an expensive foreign sports car in the driveway. After getting out of the car, Natasha ran over to the cherry red automobile and smashed in its front windshield and passenger-side window with one of her stilettos. When the well-dressed gentleman tried to get her to stop, she punched him in the face, promptly breaking his nose. Finally, blood dripping from the man’s face and sweat glistening on Natasha’s, they entered the house together. Thus ended Randy’s hellishly random night.