I don’t cook. Everyone knows that. The people on my floor who smell the smoke know that. But when I do cook, I weep…

Let me stop there. Butter! All you need is butter! I do know how to cook and it’s college-style. We’re not trying to live out here; we’re just trying to make our stomachs happy. When I do actually cook, butter is my best friend.

What you do? Get a sweet potato. Maybe a bunch of them.  Heat those suckers up. Put a stick of butter on top. BAM! That’s two meals right there, and butter isn’t one of them. And when you have leftover spuds, get creative.

Maybe you feel like pancakes. Two eggs, two cups of flour, one cup of milk, a pinch of baking powder—and you’re set. I know most people don’t do potato pancakes, but they’re good, because they’re the vehicle for what you really want to eat, but don’t have. Don’t have enough dough for your homemade pizza? Layer the potato onto your dough. Do you really want some broccoli right now? Put the three you have in that potato pancake, and son, you won’t even notice. The key to eating well is tricking yourself into thinking you’re eating well.

And because eggs and I have a really good relationship right now, another recipe you can make with leftover mashed potatoes is a “cup thing.” The “cup thing” conquers all. If you’re a vegetarian, use a huge pepper that you can crack an egg into. If you eat meat, use ham or something similar. Get a casserole dish and layer the potatoes at the bottom. You could do little ones in a cupcake pan, too. One you build your potato mountain, take your ham and make little bowls or make it rain with your giant peppers. Fill them with an egg or cheese or other vegetables. With the stove on 350 degrees for 35 minutes, that baby will be ready. And you can switch it up with something more. Anything can be your cup thing. Bread bowls, avocados. The world is your cup thing!

Or maybe you’re more traditional. That’s cool. Get some corn, maybe celery, and beef on the bottom. Cook them things and throw the potatoes over them with cheese. If you want to keep it to a few ingredients—because let’s face it, we are all on the struggle bus—make some healthy cookies. Bananas and oats, y’all. That’s it. Squash the bananas like your TA’s head, mix in the oats, and done. Put them in the oven on 350 for like 12 minutes and you’re gucci. You can add fancy things in this, too, like m&ms. I don’t even remember what those taste like.

And my go-to: Sweet peach tea popsicles. I know, you’re asking yourself why you never tried them before. You need a plastic spoon, and a solo cup—just walk along frat row. You’ll want to do this with the utmost precision, or the eating will get dangerous. Pour some real sweet tea in the cup, maybe add a bag of sugar, and the put little chopped slices of peaches in there. Heaven. If you don’t prop your spoon up just right when you’re making them, you’ll break your neck trying to eat it. Or, you know, bypass the struggle and get a popsicle mold. But that’s no fun.

Low key, you can also make some bomb pancakes with just an egg and a banana — really only 4 tablespoons of banana. If you want to make it really awesome, freeze the banana and put a little baking powder. You can add whatever else you like. I threw trail mix in that bih one time and it was seriously good.

Okay, so this is your new friends list:

-Onions are your friend.

-Eggs are your friend.

-Butter made it, of course.

-Milk! Any of Milk!

– If you want to be fancy get peanut oil. It has a high smoking point that’s good for all sorts of things.

-Bananas, y’all.



I forget the rest!

If you have any questions, please direct them to my Myspace account.

(Please don’t ask me any questions about these ingredients because I really don’t know. Thank you.)

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