Aliens Among Us: An argument proving that aliens are among us and a guide on how to identify them

AARON SAGER

alien satire

 

With the recent NASA discovery of the existence of liquid water flowing on Mars, many students at UF are starting to question things. Is there enough water to quench the thirst of Yik Yak on late and lonely nights? What does it mean when that hotline bling? Are we alone in the universe? Because the first two questions are obvious, I will answer the last question. Aliens are real, and they are climbing in your windows, snatching your homework up, so you better hide your TI-calculator, hide your bike, because they are abducting everybody out there.

Remember the Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 that went missing over the Indian Ocean in 2014? That, my friend, is the work of aliens. How else could an airplane go missing in the middle of a giant ocean? We cannot possibil- ity attribute the disappearance to the fact that the plane was over a giant ocean. Nothing has ever gone wrong over giant oceans except when aliens are involved.

We, UF students, are no strangers to extraterrestrial encounters. Remember that fire that took place over in the Keys Residential Complex? That too, my friend, is the work of aliens. Why else would the police prevent people from entering Keys? It was so they could hog all the Yik Yak karma by posting sweet Yik Yak pic- tures of the crashed alien UFO that bursted into flames. It was definitely not to protect students. That’s not their job! Seriously, wake up, people!

There are even aliens that go to college in Florida. Which college in particular? Florida State University. If you follow my lead, the perchlorate salts in the Mars water, which lower its freezing point to the point that water does not freeze, explain why FSU is so salty. We at UF can enjoy the luxury of salt-free water, and that is why FSU has a deep-seated hatred for UF. The fact that FSU is an alien school makes sense.

Keep your eyes open for any paranormal activity. Aliens will abduct you if you are not careful. We at Prism advise that you wear cargo shorts at all times. The more pockets, the more alien-fighting fighting weapons you can carry.

For those who are really worried, get yourself a pair of those toe shoes. Not only are they super charming, but aliens find them to be really ugly. Strange, right?

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