On Tinder, Fifty Shades, & the Illuminaughty

prism
Approximately 30 shades of grey

Kelena Klippel

Sophomore, Neuroscience major, English minor

As you mechanically shovel bits of popcorn-flavored butter into your mouth, the lights start to dim and your armpits begin to dry: mission accomplished. No one spotted you watching Fifty Shades of Grey. 125 minutes, several live tweets, and a couple “restroom” breaks later, you have overcome the task of watching the widely discussed storyline unfold before your eyes. Speed walking up the ramp with your head down, you hope to blend into the dispersing crowd from Mockingjay while you collect the thoughts penetrating your mind. The most dominating question: are you a changed individual after this viewing? That’s what THEY want you to believe.

Adam Weishaupt, founder of the Bavarian Illuminati, reincarnated as E.L. James, author of the Fifty Shades series, in order to regain control over the general population and their superficial ideas of romance. Proof? Simple. Look at our past presidents. John ADAMs was in power before JAMES Madison. With E.L. James in charge of changing world order, she relied on her old-fashioned outlook on what romance should really be like — going against the grain of our right-swiping society.

She takes us back to a much simpler time, when technology wasn’t a means to form a deep relationship: the middle ages. The trailer of Fifty Shades, as well as its supplementary trailer, sneaks a peak at The Rack as well as potential Flagellation components. The bonds formed between the two parties during these Medieval practices restricted any circumstances of being a victim of one or more of the three L’s:  led on, lied to, or left. What E.L. James wants is for our generation to quit being that superficial person behind the screen and start being a model post-Medieval individual. She and her predecessors want you to be as open as possible with your significant other — just as the parties involved in The Rack and Flagellation were with one another. Moral of the James’ Medieval romantic mindset? Make those last minute confessions, let the other person know your deepest fears, and don’t be afraid to cry.

Maybe the depth of the film and the overall attention to detail in each scene are too overwhelming to string together in the span of a day. Take your time and ponder your 125-minute metamorphosis as you submit your online quiz on Sakai next week, or while you’re mid-bite into a sloppy frankfurter. And as you delete that flame app while looking into the distance, you will realize that you have been cleansed. Anew, you completed the final stage in Weishaupt’s and James’ protocol.

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