Sophomore, History and Chinese major
Are you a founder? A father? A Founding Father? Well, even if you aren’t right now, perhaps you can one day rise to the challenge of freeing a nation from an oppressive monarchy. In the meantime, take this quiz and answer the question on the tip of every bald eagle’s talon: Which Founding Father are you?
1. Do you have any pets?
A. Two grizzly bears.
B. My parrot, Polly, as well as 36 hounds, two horses (Nelson and Blueskin), and a donkey.
C. I have an affinity for squirrels, and actually brought the first gray squirrel to England.
D. My dog, Satan.
2. You’re assigned a ten page paper. What topic do you choose?
A. I write the greatest paper in human history and free an entire country from a (kind of)
B. Instead of writing a new paper, I merely compile my already voluminous collection of letters.
I’ve been known to write up to 25 a day.
C. Farts: A True Miracle of Science.
D. The French aristocracy, whom I often gush about my in diary. In fact, Congress laughed at me
when my diary was read aloud.
3. Your daily personal maintenance routine includes:
A. Brushing my luscious (and natural) red hair.
B. Brushing my (one) tooth.
C. An air bath, in which I silently sit naked and stare out my window.
D. Washing the strange growth on my neck, as well as chewing ample amounts of tobacco.
4. Typically, your view on slavery could be summarized as:
A. I’m only a slave to love, in that I love to own slaves. I also own my mistress.
B. I guess you can free them after I die. However, at the time of my death, I own 300 of them.
C. I freed my slaves BEFORE I died, and then became an abolitionist.
D. I don’t own slaves, but I am against abolition. I’m afraid that it would destabilize our new republic.
5. What’s love got to do, got to do with it?
A. Love has got to do with having an affair with your deceased wife’s cousin, whom you also
own as a slave.
B. Love has got to do with occasionally writing your best friend’s wife love letters.
C. Love has got to do with French prostitutes. Bonjour, Mademoiselle.
D. Love has got to do with having an incredibly egalitarian, romantic, and monogamous
relationship with your feminist wife, whom you describe as the “best, dearest, worthiest, wisest
friend in the world.”
6. Do you like to party?
A. While in office, I ran up a wine bill of $10,835.90. That’s about $147,000 in your modern
B. Ask my incredibly profitable whiskey distillery
C. I describe the drinking society I formed, the Junto, as a “club for mutual improvement,” and
credit it for aiding me in many of my accomplishments
D. I’m a bit of a killjoy, and I complained vehemently about cleaning up the mess the previous
bacchanalian President left.
IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY A’S, YOU ARE: Thomas Jefferson. You owned slaves, as well as had many other faults, but you at least were an impressive amateur astronomer.
IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY B’S, YOU ARE: George Washington. You are the “original gangster.” You party hard, own a lot of hounds, and have a single tooth to show for it.
IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY C’S, YOU ARE: Benjamin Franklin. If you had your way, the turkey would have been our national bird. Thankfully, it isn’t. Nonetheless, thank you for public libraries!
IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY D’S, YOU ARE: John Adams. You’re a little ridiculous, possibly manicdepressive, and dangerously idealistic. However, you’re also honest, a faithful husband, and a devoted father (you even made your son, future President John Quincy Adams, take dance lessons), which is more than many of your contemporaries could say.