Freshman, English major
WARNING: Information in this article may be slightly embellished. Proceed at your own risk.
Hey there, hotshot. I see you walking around campus, casually swiping through Instagram on your jaunt to class. Let me guess: You’re heading to Turlington. No? Then you’re on your way to grab a bite at the Reitz. Either way, the majority of your classes are in close proximity to those areas. So close, in fact, that you have shortcuts for every possible destination that can be completed while you’re nonchalantly sipping your latte and half-immersed in your Twitter feed. You think you know our campus so well? With just a couple minutes of Googling, I came across five places that I bet you haven’t even heard of.
- Cabinet shop: a compound holding bulk supplies of hardwood lumber and seldom-used items such as motorboats. The shop is located in what is dubbed the “Bull Pen.” As the legend goes, it played a major role in fueling the UF vs. USF rivalry. Supposedly, UF engineering students built a wooden bull statue for a gift to USF students. Little did USF know that some of the Gator engineers were hidden inside the statue, which led to a chaotic takeover of the Tampa campus. Thanks to the motorboats, the Gators made a speedy getaway and hid all evidence of the incident in the cabinet shop.
- Elmore Hall: an administrative service building named after UF alum William Elmore, who was knighted by the Royal Swedish Order. The door is secured with a keypad lock, which doesn’t stop curious freshmen from giving the password a try. Reader beware: Backin the 1920s, one of the Swamp Party officers cracked the code, only to drown in a booby trap of Swedish meatballs and ruby-red gummy fish. His ghost remains at the secret admissions desk, forever rejecting applicants and sending them to a certain university in our state capital.
- F.R.E.D. Building: cue the fast-paced cello music of impending doom, because no description is given. Can this be the location of the Frozen Remains of Esteemed Disney? (Or is that acronym a little too obvious?) Maybe it houses a shrine dedicated to Fred Weasley, where mourners pay their respects by scattering the halls with Pygmy Puffs and Extendable Ears.
- Mehropf Hall: named after Poultry Head of Department Norman Mehropf, it is the home of the consumer and landscape horticulture program. In the basement is a torture chamber for students who claim to be vegetarian but eat chicken. One of the most used mechanisms disintegrates a student into microscopic pellets, which are scattered evenly onto the Swamp’s turf in order to keep our stadium greens aesthetically pleasing.
- Wave Tank: no description given except for the fact that it is near Weaver Hall. I’m assuming that it is a runway for fraternity brothers to parade around in their neon tank tops while waving at surrounding peers. Basically it’s a site for frat pageants.
After reading the history of some lesser-known locations on campus, you should now have a greater sense of confidence while roaming around UF’s grounds. I should be a Cicerone, right? You’re quite welcome, hotshot.