Forever Alone

By Stepfanie Lam

Sophomore, Biology major

I’ve never had a boyfriend, and because I am a part of the so-called “Me, Me, Me Generation” where hanging out and going on dates are synonymous, here are some ways to ensure that your romantic dinner plans are foiled so that you can go back home and comfortably bum around, watching Netflix with your cats.

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  1. Just say no to the Valentines/Singles’ Awareness Day shenanigans. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, according to Ben Franklin. Of course he would know; he got all the honeys.
  2. You could dress up with excruciating attention to detail and without a hair out of place and sit down while you feel the butterflies in your stomach. With a flushed face you can lean in… and …take a bite out of your delicious home cooked steak. And since you are eating it alone, you get to finish the entire piece without having to share.
  3. You recently started a bug’s class this semester, so out of the corner of your eye, you are constantly searching for any sign of movement.  You get so distracted that your date thinks you are a little “off,” and smoothly removes himself or herself from the situation.
  4. Lake Alice is one of the most beautiful places on campus. As you walk along the edge of the water, take time to admire the natural beauty around you—it may be a welcome change from the usual scenery from campus. Admire the peacefulness of this unblemished lake, so still and vast that it will inevitably remind you of how vastly empty your love life is. But do not fear! If companionship is what you crave, consider splurging on a ‘boyfriend pillow.’ In the shape of an average sized human torso and outstretched arm, it will gently cradle your shoulders… in a platonic embrace because pillows have no emotions.
  5. Most importantly, think of the money you’ve saved on Valentine’s Day! You can now splurge on candy that will go on sale the day after Valentine’s Day. It’s kind of like the after-Christmas sales or the candy sales after Halloween…except in the spring.

As your resident expert on preventative action, I strongly encourage you to follow my advice. If all else fails, remember that Valentine’s Day is only one day in the entire year. You have 364 days to recover from any unpleasant surprises.

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