This is it. This is my Mona Lisa. This is my Downtown by Macklemore. This is going to be the best article I’ve ever written. It has to be — boys are going to read it! I hope they like it. They’re all I think about, and I really care what they think of me.
After scrolling through every photo of UF’s Performative Male contest, I realized that there are a lot of guys out there looking to embrace “woke-maxxing” so they can land a baddie. And I get it, because it works. It’s not all that often you meet a Gen Z NPR listener these days.
The performative male is no new concept. We all understand the formula: matcha, feminist literature and a thrifted sweater. We can definitely kick it up a notch, so here is a list of recommendations for those who are truly dedicated to the cause.
Fellas, this is for you.
- Music
Any performative male loves his Clairo, Fiona Apple, or Chappell Roan. I’ll be honest — this is rookie stuff. Performative males need to seek out artists with as few monthly Spotify listeners as possible. If the band’s name is five or more words long, even better. Alternative idea: Get a female artist’s mosaic tattooed on your ass. I’m picturing Clairo dancing in the clouds, Chappell Roan in full drag and Fiona Apple in rehab.
- The Feminine Mystique
Ever heard of this classic? It’s a life-changing account of gender oppression and the expectations of the modern woman by the one and only Betty Friedan. Sounds cool, right? Yeah, it is. But if you want to show your allyship to the women in your life, it might be best to transfer schools. Betty Friedan committed to her craft — she got her bachelor’s from Bryn Mawr, a historic women’s college in Philly (I got a presidential scholarship there. No biggy. Just saying that if you went there, they’d probably know my name). You should consider doing the same. Some schools like Swarthmore are now co-ed! The performative male lifestyle is not about saying “Go Gators!”, it’s about saying “Go Girls!”
- Sweaters
Aww, you little Chris Evans, you! You have a chunky white sweater that you love to whip out when the swamp steeps below seventy degrees. You’re onto something, you really are. But it’s time to add some DIY to the equation. Woke women love a craft. Grow out your hair, or ask your mom for the Ziploc of your baby hair; she probably still has it. Invest in a quality pair of knitting needles, and BAM! There you have it: A sweater that’s waiting to be made. The best part is, it’ll be super soft AND it’ll complement your eyes.
- Labubu
Last but certainly not least, I leave you with the stuffed animal that has taken over TikTok. Now, maybe spending 80 dollars on a demon doll is enough to win an astrology-loving girl over, but you can never be too sure. Here’s my advice: If you really want to embrace Labubu, visit the dentist. Ask him for veneer prep, but with no veneers. You’ll end up with these precious little fangs that look just like the furry friend you spent your month’s paycheck on. Cuuuute!
I feel no need to close out this article — the content speaks for itself. If anything, I’d like to offer a big ‘you’re welcome’ to all the boys’ lives I’ve changed today.
You’re welcome, boys. Mama loves you. Dinner’s at seven.
UF PRISM 