Welcome to Last Week in Peelitics, the most trusted “news” source in Gainesville. For legal reasons I cannot expand on, “news” must be in quotation marks. Happy pre-finals-post-spring-break-hell! Below is a recap of last week’s most notable events.
Kate Middleton Found in Downtown Dublin
It seems Kate Middleton has grown sick of the royal upkeep and decided to step out of the spotlight. She was found last week shuffling among a heckle of gingers on the streets of Dublin. What better way is there to spiral than at the greatest pub crawl on earth? Middleton confirms she is not an alcoholic, although I should mention that she said this half naked and soaked head to toe in Guinness. Long Live the Princess!
Chaos at Trump Texas Rally
Last Saturday, at a presidential rally for Donald Trump, the public was given an exclusive peek at a secret Trump has been desperately attempting to keep since he first spat “you’re fired” on The Apprentice. It appears that as Trump approached the stage, his wig flew off, exposing his bare brain. It’s so smooth that the skin suit had nothing left to grap onto and fell to his shoulders. Various attendees claim having spotted tentacles, blue goo, a small penis, the whole nine yards. Biden shared in a public statement that he recommends Trump use nail glue down the line. “It’s always worked for me!” the President/Lizard (??) said.
UF Student Place on Dorm Arrest
First year student, Anja Schwarzbauer, was placed on dorm arrest this past Thursday after an altercation in Norman Hall. When asked for a comment, Anja replied simply: “There is such a thing as too much Opus.”
Does any of this sound right? I wrote this two weeks ago after a very graphic vision. Let me know!
UF PRISM 