Oh baby, baby, this is a hot mess.
Hi Britney. My name is Anja, and I am a college freshman. I want you to know, first off, that I love you. My seventh-grade dance team performed “Circus,” I have several times attempted to create an a cappella version of “Toxic” via Smule on my childhood iPad, and I have rewatched the Britney-themed “Glee” episode one time too many. Needless to say, I’m a humongous fan.
With my adoration out of the way, I would like to present a (very convincing) list of reasons breaking down why I am the ultimate candidate for hire as your divorce lawyer. While reading, please consider my irresistible charisma and humble character.
- I present an incredibly convincing case
P.U.! Boys stink!!! I bet Sam doesn’t even know the chorus to “Oops, I Did It Again.” That fake son of a gun!!
- I will make sure you take Sam for everything he’s got
Yes, that includes the Speedos he wore on your honeymoon. Sam will be walking out of that courtroom literally naked and afraid.
- I will dismiss his assertions that you threatened him with kitchen knives
Sam clearly twisted the situation. You were making dinner! Your favorite – boiled snake with minced hair, skin and nail gummies!
- I will wear a pink suit and Amazon hair extensions to court
Who can say no to a classic Elle Woods move?
- I have already drafted my closing statement
It goes something like this:
Ooh, hey, yeah
Hush, just stop
There’s nothing you can do or say (baby)
I’ve had enough
I’m not your property as from today (baby)
You might think that I won’t make it on my own
But now I’m stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I, I’m stronger
Than I ever thought that I could be (baby)
I used to go with the flow
Didn’t really care ’bout me
You might think that I can’t take it, but you’re wrong
‘Cause now I’m stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I, I’m stronger
Come on, now
Oh, yeah
Here I go, on my own
I don’t need nobody, better off alone
Here I go, on my own now
I don’t need nobody, not anybody
Here I go (here I go, here I go, here I go)
Alright
(Here I go, here I go, here I go) Here I go
Stronger than yesterday
It’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I, I’m stronger than yesterday
Now, it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
Now, I’m stronger than yesterday
Now, it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more (no more)
I, I’m stronger
Don’t you worry – I have a karaoke microphone in my Amazon shopping cart to seal the deal.
Please let me know what you think. I offer a very reasonable rate of zero dollars an hour.
Best wishes in revenge and G-string-infused awesomeness,
Anja xoxo
UF PRISM 